My life

Suddenly, it all stopped. My life that is.

I’m gasping for air. I was drowning in sorrow, freezing in hell. My heart beats no more. Then, I looked back. What did I do wrong? What have I done? What have I failed to do? There, I saw myself. I was stubborn. I made many mistakes. I’ve done nothing right. I failed to do everything I should.

It haunts me everyday. Your voice, your scent, your face; they are all in my head. When I look out the window, I can’t help but stare. Looking at the void my life has become. Everything just seems different, lifeless. I don’t know what life is anymore. Am I still alive? I can still walk, talk, or go to work. Maybe, I am. But, is this really life? Is this called living? I walk, but don’t know where I am. I talk, but don’t understand a thing. I do still eat, just for the sake of eating. I rarely feel hunger, exhaustion, or physical pain. I don’t seem to care. I ceased to care. Have I lost it? Myself? My heart?

When I put my hand on my chest, something is still beating. Maybe, I still do have a heart. But, have I a need for it? I don’t feel any need for anything now. But I don’t feel complete. I actually feel empty. Like an empty bottle, a broken bottle. Have I any use? I sure don’t know, or don’t think so. I actually am amazed. I can still do so many things I thought would be impossible in my current state.

I can still smile, and laugh. Smile like nothing’s wrong while my heart’s being cut. That’s what I did when we last saw each other. I smiled, while saying goodbye. I guess that’s what I’m good at, smiling, while being tormented by your sight fading away. I still do laugh. I laugh at things that are supposed to be funny. But, tears are falling inside, while I’m thinking of you. Have I gone crazy? I surely have.

I’ve fallen crazy in love with you, a long time ago. I sang with you, danced with you, cried with you, laughed with you, feel with you. I’ve experienced so many things with you by my side. Things I’ll cherish ‘til death. I won’t forget the first time I held your hand. The feeling of comfort and care it gave me. It gave me chills I can never forget. I wanna thank you for making me experience life. When I met you, for the first time in my life, I had purpose. I started to live. And a wonderful life you made it. You made the sun shine. You made me hear the birds sing. You made the flowers bloom and filled my mornings with sweetness. You fed my heart with joy.

We were together during storms, eating dinner in the candle light. We often got wet in the rain sharing an umbrella. No matter how cold it got, we found warmth in each other. I found security with you while the wind and rain strikes outside. I didn’t feel scared, because everything I needed was right beside me. You made me strong. You gave me courage. You gave me something to fight for.

But now, there’s no warmth against the rain. No security. I have no more strength, or courage, or something to fight for. My heart feels no joy. There’s only bitterness and pain in my mornings. I can’t hear the bird’s sing. My sun doesn’t shine. Now, there’s only darkness. Everything I do, I do for the sake of doing it. I want to believe I still have hope. But all my hope lies in you.

It’s hard to breathe without air. Mornings won’t come without sunshine. And it’s definitely impossible for me to live without my life. I’m scared. I can’t take the freezing anymore. My heart can’t continue beating without purpose. If only, it will all suddenly stop.

I love you and miss you so much.